Union Weekly ASI - California State University, Long Beach

By Jeff Bridges, Actor

Okay so the old editor died. He’s dead. Whatever his name was. Piss Bear or something. I’m fed up with this edgy, downright rude style of humor that the Grunion has become known for. It’s unacceptable. We’re all fun guys no matter what our police reports say. I strongly believe people can laugh without being grossed out or turned on or whatever you deviant’s reaction is to these jokes. Mark my words: from now on the Grunion will be so fun and fancy-free that you’re going to want to puke.

“How did this decision come about?” you might ask.  Nice question. Thanks. Here’s my story. It all started one night when I was watching the normally swear-free show Mythbusters. Before I had a chance to change the channel, cute, innocent Kari starts swearing up a storm. It was a storm in my brain and my heart. The worst part of all, she was pregnant. My night and life were ruined. The baby is going to come out all covered in goo and have horns or a curly penis or whatever happens to a baby who is subjected to in-utero swears. I’m no doctor.

Due to this, I’ve written a slew of letters to Mythbusters to get them to fire Kari before that baby comes out and ruins the show. In her place, I suggest they hire the last, pure, fun guy on this rotten earth that doesn’t rely on gross out humor: Tony Hawk. Just imagine Tony hanging out with the M-Burster crew, shaking hands, giving compliments, and doing censor approved kickflips and other skate stunts. Think about all the cool myths they can bust with Tony on the crew: do old ladies like to be helped by kind young men? Yes. Confirmed. Do swears make you cool? Busted. Kari got fired. Don’t do it. Is a moustachegrind to beretplant possible? Double confirmed. Tony Hawk does them all the time.

There are plenty of ways to laugh without being vulgar. For example: having good clean fun. Let’s say you own or are starting a company that makes those soothing sounds CDs. Take your best selling CD, a babbling brook maybe, and right in the middle put the sound of someone stirring macaroni and cheese! It’s a gross sound. A victimless prank that is sure to get big laughs. Or maybe you have a friend who says a word wrong, like pillow or crayon. Instead of making fun of him, give him a kiss on the head because a friend is a thing to be cherished.

I hope to one day live in a world where the only jokes are the ones described. For now, the best I can do is dream, and dream hard. Maybe one day the world will learn that you don’t have to swear to be cool and funny. Until then, you’ll always have the new grunion. Thanks for reading.