SAY WHAT WHAT IN MY BUTT
Last Updated on Monday, 04 November 2013 00:42
By Grampa Klondike
As my grandson says, “‘Tis the season to hoe it up, yo!” I finally came out of my coffin this Halloween after years of rotting to celebrate this festivity with my fellow ghouls. Bottoms up, rock hard, and party on! I mean only two of those things literally. I was cool enough to have been invited to quite a few butt-chugging parties around town, mostly by the local fraternities on campus. My dream has finally come true, you guys. You heard me right. I was downing beer and vodka right up my taint. To be honest, I have never felt more liberated, loose, and drunk in my life. I was a little shy at first to drop my draws and show the whole crowd my ass cheeks, but hey, when it’s right, it’s right. The process of inserting the enema up my hole was a little tough. Things are just not supposed to go up there, but like I said when it’s right, it’s right. As the alcohol slowly entered my system, I felt as if the Blue Metro line was entering a small garage in my stomach and destroying me inside-out. I felt very blessed throughout the whole experience. The feeling of drunkeness was great though, yo. It was like killing four or five birds with one giant kidney stone. I was getting a free colon cleanse from the alcohol coming up my sweet hole, getting drunk like that guy from the Dick Van Dyke Show, Dick Van Dyke, and I was getting good and drunk. Maybe I should forget my first wife and go back into the dating scence, I thought, as the alcohol entered my colon and released it’s sweet juices, like one of those Mikey Cyrus songs going into your ears. What was I talking about? Rap? Oh yeah. Perhaps, the best part of a butt chugging party is the historical aspect of seeing Gregory Peck and that SpongeBob Squarepants hand and hand, dancing. I know that never happened, but it felt real to me. Like a war that I never took part in or the brother I never loved. And it was such a thrill sharing a funnel with them while we downed, or in this case, upped a whole bottle of Bacardi. It was such an intimate moment that if it had been a part of history probably would have changed the plot to the hit movie Forest Gump. After a while I needed to take a breather from all the excitement. I was chillin with Bruce Jenner’s Chanel bag face and Nene Leakes’ crust old pony tail. Is that Kim Karbashian? Just w-walking by me in slow-mo. Of course the bitch was down to chug some Rosé with me! She was definitely down to shove the funnel downtown. I mean what else are those buns made for. Some people might consider the after burn effect a bad thing, but not Kim K., yo! Got mad props for you brah! When I woke up, I was standing in my living room holding two pumpkins in my hands. Did I really do all those things or am I just an old stupid ass with nobody to love?
Nightmare Before Kwanza
By Hellboy McGirl
Good news for all! Paramount Pictures and director Shoshonna Schonbomb have decided to go ahead with purchasing the rights to Tim Burton’s classic Nightmare Before Christmas film as well as green lighting its much anticipated sequel. The motion picture Nightmare Before Chistmas The Second Chapter: Nightmare Before Kwanzaa is officially in pre-production under Paramount Studios’ watchful eye. The concept of NBC,TSC: NBK revolves around Halloween Town’s local skeleton Jack Skellington, the King of Halloween AKA da Pumpkin King AKA #BASEDPUMPKINGOD. Jack is back in town and it is exactly one year since his infamous holiday breakdown. Once again, the indecisive bastard becomes tired of the same ol’ ‘ween routine every year. He takes a walk through the woods until he reaches that circle with all the different doors in the trees. He insists on trying a new holiday, confident that there must be better holidays than Halloween and Christmas. He is about to grab the shiny doorknob on the Easter egg-shaped door until a shiny kikombe cha umoja, or “unity cup”, attracts his attention. He enters that portal instead. He immediately transported into a bizarre world in which every single day is Kwanzaa. No one is ever unhappy, families are strong and love each other with all of their hearts. Though Kwanzaa has wholeheartedly captured Jack’s attention, he doesn’t fully understand the principles and ideas it was based upon; being a naturally evil creature of the night, he subconsciously ends up ruining the beloved holiday for everyone around him.
An interesting gobsmacking tidbit about this upcoming film is that the adorable dog “Zero” is going to be replaced with Bruce Jenner; a Paramount representative informed us this was due to “creative differences”. That is all of the information that they would give us about the entirety of this film. However, they did reveal that this was the second film of a trilogy. The final part of the saga, set for fall 2016, has been dubbed Nightmare Before Christmas: Nightmare Before Hanukkah, The Final Chapter.