GRUNION

I'M FUNNIER THAN ALL THE KIM JONGS EVER

April 25 2013
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By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
100208 mahmoud ahmadinejadWhy the hell is this schmuck Kim Jong Un getting all the laughs? Now, this is a little known fact, but most of us despotic dictators of third world countries actually enjoy our comedy. In fact, I took numerous online comedy writing classes at the University of Phoenix, and graduated with a 2.8. That’s basically a B average! But here waltzes in some son of a big-shot daddy’s boy who thinks he can just come up and snatch my act. He has no experience, he never got heckled off the stage at the Laugh Factory, and he never had a short lived TV sitcom. I however, have had both experiences and suffered accordingly.

Kim Jong Un is like the Dane Cook of the rogue state leaders comedy circuit. Oh, you’re going to threaten the United States with destruction though you lack a technologically advanced army? Motherfucker, I’ve been doing that same act since you were shitting in diapers. Yet, the internet explodes with memes whenever you do anything on the world stage. All I get anymore is a 30 second piece on NPR decrying my threats towards Western allies in the region and a 200 word article in the New York Times. This shit just ain’t fair. 

I’ve got great joke writing skills, too. I’ve got a three page word document filled with jokes about Kurds and Azerbaijani people. Dude, have you ever heard this one? “A mullah, a student revolutionary, and the Shah walk into a bar…” I’m gonna leave you hanging on that one so that you’ll come to my act and hear the punch-line. It’s what’s called a lead-in in the biz! By the biz, I mean the comedy business. Which I’m in, by the way. 

You know, I’ve always seen myself as the George Carlin of the tyrant comedy circuit. When you’re George Carlin, you’re not always appreciated in your time. A lot of people don’t like your style and think you’re too dangerous or edgy for threatening to close the Persian Gulf.  But even though you don’t please everyone, you’re still the big dog of comedy. Kim Jong Un is the spoiled frat boy of comedy who just steals from people like me and the great masters of the past, like Gadaffi and Mussolini. He’s in the spotlight now, but no one will remember his hilarious provocations in the international community 100 years from now. Me though? I will go down as the king of dictatorial comedy.
 

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