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BOOZY REVIEWSY

January 29 2013
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By Union Staff
DECIPHERING THESE DRUNK REVIEWS IS HALF THE FUN
The rules for a drunk review are this: watch a piece of entertainment sober and then you review it under the influence of alcohol (legally). Sounds pretty simple, but the best drunk reviews are like a puzzle. They force the reader to rearrange and organize the writer’s booze-soaked subconcious ramblings into coherent thoughts. Plus, they’re absolutley silly. So sit back, relax, and say aaahhahahaha.

TED Talks: Physics
tedtalk
So I saw a TED conference once. It was great, I saw A guy talk about physics. And he was really irritating. Because he talked about the stu! about physics. Hr was talking about rockets and he wewads cool because he knew about rockets. I liked that he knwq about stu! that I didn’t because it was rad as fuck. He talked about the science of ecxsisting and he talkjked about kaane and h it was super rad because not evertyone talks about studf so deep and that was cool nno church in tahe while+ bonkors craay. The stuff was cool and I saw fire and it was rad cray cray cray by the way and I learned about sceinece and now you know bitches.

V/H/S
vhs
I watched a movie recently called VHS, and let me tell you I was not impressed in the least. I know that all the cool kids are into those "found footage" horror flicks, but I ain't buyin' it sucker. For one thing, I'd probably like this movie a lot more if I was way into boobs. Most definitely, there is an ammple amount of boobage in this piece of shit. A boob here, a boob there, everywhere a boob boob. And as a woman I must say that that wasn’t enough to make me like this piece of shit. Nothing was even scary! If you think for one second that some shitty Windows Movie Maker effects are going to make me cry under my bed, then you must be a cunt troll. VHS had the worst effects I’ve ever seen in a movie. Was the budget $5? I think so. There was a static monster, which was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Also this movie had the most meatheads that I’ve ever seen. There were so many frat assfaces that I thought that that might have been the scariest part. The point is, if you want to be scared, VHS ain’t gonna cut it

Looper
looper
I saw looper again – nobody want s me to name drop apparently so I won’t do that in this situation. So I will just retend that I saw looper alone. But in any case looper was fantastic . and if anyone wants to disagree with me then they’ll just have to eat shit, because ooper was so good. Joseph gordeon levitt whose name I can’t even spell right now was phenominal. And let me tell you that phenominal was a relaly hard word to spell. So that means a lot. Paul dano was only in the movie fpr five minute.s. but he sotole the show. He was great. Why wasn’t he the mai character. Because I don’t give a shit babout what the fuck is his name. bruce willis. .who cares. He’s kind of hot. I think. ? uation mark? It’s insane. That kid is fucking scary. Don’t ook at him. He’s gross. Don’t event thinkg that your expireince will be improved by looking at that satanic piece of shit. Child. Time travels movies people have a lot of trouble with, but you know. This one was alivght. I liked it. I didn’t’t have a problem. Wasn’t like that piece of shit. Inception that people liked. ET sucked. Ps. Didn’t you know? Fuck ET. Looper was good. Rellay.. good.

First Five Minutes of E.T.
et
Me and my boyfriend watched ET recently and let me tell you that that is the fucking scariest shit that I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember much of it because it was boring as shit, but I do remember et being a squatass motherfucker who only communicated with guttural sounds. It started o! di!erently than I remember where ET just says “GAWEERSNSDJ” and shit like that, ust sounds like a fucking chimpanzee. But also the brother said stu! like “Shut the fuck up, penis breath” which was a weird thing for me to hear as a eleven year old girl because I didn’t even know what a penis looked like. And also ET looks like the spawn of satan and I’m not even eagerrating. Rellly. And I don’t even know why he like Et because all he says is that he wants to phone home and I’m pretty sure they don’t have phones in space. Really this review is about the "rst fve miutes of that stupid-ass movie. And really I’m too drunk to talk about anything else. I think John Villanuevawalked into the room just now. I bet that motheucker has seen Et. EVERYONE HAS. Cept me. ET IS SCARY, STAY AWAY.

127 Hours
127hours
I had never known that 1367 hours was a really good movie. I thought that maybe it would be really boring because all it would be about was this guy that was trapped under a rock for areally long time. But as it turns out james franco really puts out with this moves, if you know what I meant. 

James franco, as it appreas to mea, must have the best acting chops out of every actor in fucking holywoood, because he’s a fucking NY rad. Right? ? because I heard that there are really good cut scenes. James granco, I’m sorry. Someone inturrupeted me. That would be. A issue. Wes is so not in jamiaca. Really. That’s a thing, john is a little prud, who only eat strombolis. In any case, 127 hours is the best mobies of the year, but I ain’t never seen it. That’s a truth.

Adventure Time
adventuretime
oTeh thing about adventur tine is that you have to have a sense of childhood in order to enjoy ith cuz its about thar time of life. I irst fell in flove with the show whe I was ar the Rec center and I was on the treadlmill and ir was on. It was the episode where the ice king improsns a wife and force jake and Finn to throw him a bachelor party. I thought to muslf wow this show is really funny and wird, Now im completel y addicyr to it. Choose goose it one of my facvotie chara ter s , wait Rose Is playing Crazy in Love so I got s to danece, ok Im back. 

New pargraph, the show Is all about this boy and is dog who is fighting villians and trying a be heroes. I think Pendlton Ward the creartor is a genius but I cant seem to get gim to do an yinterview. The best episode is when tree trunks is in the forest in the cave and she puts stickefrs on the flesh monster and its just so cute and that womean is from the south. The voice acting on theat show is top nothch.

Holes
holes
Poncho told me to write about hoes. I hate holes. But I actually ilike siguourney weaver because I think shtat she actually loks like my mom. And that is is a comforting. Also shia la bouef I don’t know how to spell his name definitely peaked at that moment. Because let me tell you. Digging up them holes digging digging up them holes. They’re looking for a treasure? I don’t know they’re digging holes! Who fucking cares? They "nd a treasure. Also there’s a character named sweet feet/ ? that’s real. I’m not even looking at that screen. Sigourney weaver carries this mvies beaue she’s a fabulous actress. The movies Holes is great. There’s that romance between that black guy that syas I can fux that and that other woman and honestly that has brought tears to my eyes. That’s true. Because he can fix that. He fixed the roof. He fixed the school. He fixed her broken heart. That’s beautiful. Really. And that song played. Also shia la bouf.

Crazy in Love Music Video
crazyinlove
Sar like ringo, 0oh m god this is beyonce when she first displayed her greatnes as a solo artict. Iknow its part two but I don’t rember tge furst one. To be honest I0 only kno like half the chorus, but its one of my favorit songs. Shes walkin doen the stret in a lil white tcchirt an no bra and i can see mosr of her noobies, she gone get arrshted. id be woried what my father wold say if I was walkong down the streets with my tiites just spleayed out for evryoen to see but ntot Bbdoncye. Beyponce doent have to abiede by no laews. 

My favorite part is whne Beonce starts creaming during the bridge. Now Jizzzy is all is all like rraping and he;s satign crazy and deranged, craxy and insaen, and then chincillas. The uh oh part is the part I wanna dance to most cuz it involves the mosr booty and yoy know I cnan pop my booty for days. Hows itpissoble for one woman to have some mush booty. Dmn now the songs over Iand I just wanna keep dancinfg.

Gotta Dance
gotta-dance
GOTTA DANCE is a movie about a snier citizen dance team that is organized by the NETs. But since I don't kniw anything about basketball, I only know them as the Nets. So I only watche this movie because my boyfriend thought it would be funny to watch old people dance. And boy was it. Because there was this one lady who was named fanny who really knew how to shake her tailfeather if you know what I meant, I realy hope that someone will come over here to this computer to make sure that I’m not passed out because

I really actually liked this move because it makd me feel l ike I could actually be an old person learning how to dance for the first time. And I don't know how to dance@ I thingk this chikc—she doens;t want her name mentioned—is the only one next to me. But she's listening me. And she knows that I want to dance when I’m old. That’s all I want to do.
 
I actuallly like to do dance because Its good for the soul. And that’s all a fact that someon;e should likstening to me about. Because I am a person that is worth litening to but I don't know how to type anymore I think I’m going to just pass out. soetongotn should just watchi this movie because this old guy named joe doesn a really funky dance bven thought he's super fucking old. And it’s spectacular to say theleast. I'm not afraid of being old anymore. And that's true. But I'm going to sleep now.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 29 January 2013 07:14
 

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