YOU SLY DEVIL
Last Updated on Wednesday, 06 February 2013 00:40
THE UNION STAFF RECALLS STALLONE'S BEST AND WORST SCREEN MOMENTS
I remember the first time I saw Rocky IV. I was five and it was the first of the Rocky movies that I had ever seen. There were a lot of things that stood out to me. First off, the fact that they had a robot, even though it was a fat piece of shit that made Alfalfa look like Iron Man, was rad and helped start an obsession with robots that continues to this day (but not really). Secondly, Apollo Creed died, and while I was only five and had only been recently introduced to cinema, the fact that the black guy died seemed strangely appropriated. His name was Apollo, who has that name? He had to die, but I digress. There were really mean Russian people, and Rocky had a mountain climbing montage. At the end, Rocky gets the hostile Russian crowd to support him, and everything turned out alright, besides the fact that Rocky sustained massive brain damage.
I think I’ve always been a fan of Sylvester Stallone. It was ingrained into the minds of many guys my age that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were the epitome of what it meant to be manly. He’s like the embodiment of not giving a fuck. Just watch Demolition Man and you’ll understand. Here’s a movie that itself is sort of a weird parody of the type of Stallone action movies, but the way he plays the character of John Spartan leaves you thinking, “Does he understand what’s going on in this movie?” I’m pretty sure he doesn’t or will ever understand that his movie choices usually terrible. Granted, Rocky and the First Blood are awesome and have, unfortunately, cemented Stallone as Hollywood gold, but it’s like people are too afraid of his muscles to tell him that everything he’s done since is just repetitive shit. I mean, I’ll still watch his movies in hopes that one day he’ll make something that isn’t an hour and a half of him masturbating into his own mouth.
I watched The Expendables a few years ago so bear with me as I try and remember how it went. Alright, so it starts with Sylvester and Jason Statham on a plane. They fly to Colombia and land in a lake. I think they’re on a mission to save a lady that is being held hostage, but they run into drug lords! No, I’m wrong, they are actually going to shoot a diplomat! Then they meet the lady and shoot some drug lords and the lady gets left behind. So they gotta go back to Colombia to fight the drug lords again and save the lady. This time, they bring the sword master Jet Li, but the poor little guy is named Ying Yang. Ex-cop Bruce Willis comes, along with some old action stars that haven’t worked in a while. So they get in a car chase that ends up in a warehouse, (Spoiler alert, maybe). They fly their plane directly into the warehouse and it explodes! Then they all escape with the girl in a submarine.