WEEPY REVIEWS OF CINEMA'S TEAR-JERKERS
Illustration by Brian Mark
Reviewed by Roque Renteria
The movie that makes me tear up no matter how many times I watch it is Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus, The Room. If you haven’t already seen this movie, grab your friends, grab your significant other, anyone within a half a mile radius; this movie is life changing. Trying to explain this movie is like trying to explain Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason after ingesting a handful of psychedelic mushrooms. Believe me, I’ve tried. Just ask my former philosophy professors. Let’s just say this movie is unlike anything you’ve seen before.
This movie is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed and don’t forget, I am surrounded by a comedic genius every waking moment. Me. The Room’s magic comes from its unintended hilarity. Originally meant to be appreciated as a drama, the movie attracts hordes of “roomies” every month across art house theatres nationwide. !ese borderlinestalker fans (myself included) can recite every line with unparalleled timing, yell out off-color commentary, and throw spoons and footballs around like it’s no one’s business. No midnight movie has garnered this much infamy since The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The only difference is that The Rocky Horror Picture Show is watchable.
To conclude, Valentine’s Day is coming up: why not take your sweetheart to go see The Room? You can impress him or her with sarcastic comments. And who doesn’t like sarcastic comments? It’s not like your date night idea is any better than mine. You were probably going to take your lover to Red Lobster or something like that, advising them to fill up on cheddar biscuits so they don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheddar biscuits. But that shit is weak compared to the grandiose of The Room. If you are still unsure about the movie, here is my final selling point: it has nudity. I mean, not sexy nudity or even enjoyable nudity, more like vomit-inducing pale butt cheeks. Not the most enticing part of the movie, but enticing nonetheless. So sit back, grab some popcorn, put your arm around your average-looking partner, and get ready to laugh and cry, but above all, experience the best cult movie since Blade Runner.
“You can laugh, you can cry or you can express yourself. Please just don’t hurt each other,” said Tommy Wiseau (actor, director, writer, and producer of The Room).
On second thought, ignore most of what I just wrote. Watch Blade Runner instead. It’s all about Blade Runner. Blade Runner.
Reviewed by Alia Sabino
Thing is, I’m a crier. I’m a highly emotional person and an onset of tears can be triggered by pretty much anything. So when I was trying to come up with a movie that made me cry, I was overwhelmed with choices. So instead, I chose to write about a film that not only got my lachrymal glands going, but also left me with a profound sense of sadness that I couldn’t shake off for days.
Revolutionary Road is an adaptation of the 1961 novel by Richard Yates, which follows the gradual death of a marriage in its most raw and upsetting form. You’d think that Kate Winslet and Leonardo Di Caprio’s comeback movie (after the phenomenon that was Titanic) would be another epic love story right? Wrong. Instead, they come out with a movie that pretty much wounded my optimism for both love and life. It made me question whether happiness truly does exist, or if it’s just a mirage we constantly try to fool ourselves with.
April and Frank both start off as young dreamers, falling in love not only with each other but also with their ideals and how they see the world. They’re both filled with invincible energy to chase after their dreams, and are determined to not be confined by the social norms of their times. But after marriage, a few kids, and Frank’s permanent position at the company where his father used to work, they end up stagnant and caught in the tedium of life in middle-class America.
April becomes restless and unsatis"ed and convinces Frank that the only way for them to be happy is to make a drastic change- by moving to Paris. Frank agrees at first, but as the plan for Paris starts to fall out, the deadly, downward spiral begins. The premise reminds me of American Beauty (starring Kevin Spacey and directed by Sam Mendes), which also tackles the false and empty idea of the American dream complete with its white picket fence and dog named Skip.
I think the gravest part about this movie is the fact that there is no redemption in the end. As an avid moviegoer, I know that movies usually end with some sort of redeeming factor. Whether good defeats evil, the protagonist saves the world, or the rebel from shop class kisses the popular girl and fist pumps the air in victory (‘80s reference, yes?), there’s usually something that lifts our spirits in the end.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a big fan of unrealistic happy endings. Because honestly, in real life shit happens and you don’t always get what you want. But goddamn. The ending of this movie was so heart wrenching that it just left me distraught and inconsolable. I remember walking out of the movie theater, the gravity of the ending scene so palpable in the air, that the crowd just marched out in complete and utter silence. I remember feeling surprised as to how a movie could leave me so hollow inside.
So I’ll give you one piece of advice. Revolutionary Road is not a suitable movie for date night (especially on Valentine’s Day) even if it does have Leonardo Di Caprio in it. But just in case you’re trying to find a subtle way to introduce a breakup, then watch away.