TOP FOUR YOUTUBE COMPILATIONS
Last Updated on Thursday, 28 February 2013 02:08
By Connor O'Brien
You’d think that goats yelling like humans is pretty self-explanatory, but I was completely surprised by what my ears and eyes told me. These goats have some glorious vocal chords. There are a bunch of goats all baaa-ing like regular animals until one of them lets out a mighty screech. Some of the goats have voices like wimpy, sad nerds that were recently hit in the testicles. The best goats make screams that sound less human than actual people screams. These kinda remind me of the Wilhelm Scream. In one of the videos, the goat appears to be in a heated argument with an Italian guy, and he spits at the guy and groans everytime he trys to say some bippity-bobbity bullshit to a non-human, animal goat. The most talented goats that are featured in the compilation are also featured in some other pretty great clips. There’s one goat that you might recognize from the goat/Usher remix of the song “Papers.” Another goat is in the recently popular goat remix called “I Knew You Were Trouble Goat Edition.” This group of rowdy goats will make you laugh harder than you ever thought a goat could make you laugh. If your internet history is littered with cute/funny animal videos, here is a compilation to enrich and fulfill your life.THE VERY BEST NUT-SHOTSBy Roque RenteriaI’ll admit that I am a sadist. Aside from a sadist, I am also many other things: a philosopher, a licensed reverend, and a passionate, thorough and selfless lover (for you ladies out there). But above all, I am a man. Being that I am a man, I have been endowed (sadly, not well-endowed) with a penis. And two very sensitive and very fragile balls. I think “balls” is the correct medical term. All this brings me to my main point, which is: Watching guys get hit in their “bananas n’ nuts” is uproariously funny and soul-shatteringly devastating. This compilation is a perfect example of ambivalence and paradox. Allow me to explain. When an accelerating force impacts genitalia, there is no doubt that hilarity will ensue. However, whilst comedic, at the same time it adheres to the guidelines of Aristotelian tragedy. Our hero meets a tragic end and sympathy is evoked. Watching someone’s balls be crushed by a falling sledgehammer (included in this compilation) is both comedic and tragic. Paradoxical, is it not? I don’t know. Maybe I’m overanalyzing the phallus. It wouldn’t be the first time. Hiyo! This 4-minute video lives up to its name. I haven’t encountered a better aggregation of nut shots. This has everything from your standard kick-to-the-nuts to skateboarder meets a rail to guy has firework explode on his nuts. My favorite is the boy who hits his father’s junk with a metallic rod. Definitely the most Oedipal clip of the bunch. Freud would approve. It’s easily the best video on YouTube. After watching, you’ll feel sorry for these guys because they will never be able to reproduce. Then again, after seeing the moronic shit these guys do, would you want them to spread their seed?
RUSSIAN CAR CRASHESBy Connor O'BrienThis goes out to all you rubbernecking assholes that slow down hundreds of cars on the freeway for a split second glimpse of a car that got rear-ended on the side of the road. Why not shave an hour off your commute by not looking at the fender-bender and going home to watch a Car Crash Compilation instead? Almost every single video is in Russia. As to why all Russians have cameras on their dashboards, that is a mystery to me. These people are driving well over 100mph in icy and snowy conditions. When they decide to pass a giant 18-wheeler, it usually ends in a cloud of metal and rubber scraps. The crash puts you on the edge of your seat, cringing and nervously laughing. Right before the sounds of screeching tires and shattering glass, you get to hear a sample of what music people were listening to as their lives flashed before their eyes. Some of my favorites were a Celine Dion dubstep remix, a Gotye rave remix, and Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. During and after the crash, you hear lots of Russian cursing and funky guttural sounds. Nobody has died in any of the videos I’ve seen; that would take all the fun out of it. It’s insane watching what a high speed impact does to the things we trust with our lives. After an hour of viewing car crashes I have decided that: 1) I’m never going to Russia. 2) My car (that I’m pretty sure has no airbags) would be instantly destroyed in an accident. Don’t watch these videos before driving, you’ll get real spooked.
RON SWANSON'S LAUGHBy Marco BeltranI never thought I would be this emotionally invested in a television show, or in a character, that I would look up compilations of clips and share them with everyone I know. But I am and I hate it. It makes me feel so helpless. There is just something about Ron Swanson’s character and laugh that I find infectious, to the point where I can watch a clip of him laughing and I smile and laugh and wonder what I would do if I met Nick Offerman in bar. Probably nothing. It might be that his high-pitched squeal is such a contrast to his character, which is gruff and emotionless, so that within the context of an episode it comes as a surprise; or it could be that the things that he laughs about are not clearly defined, but I can’t get enough of it. The laugh is such a small thing, but I think his laugh was the perfect device to make his character interesting, and opened it up for the character to experience every emotion. Fuck. Maybe I am human after all and my cousin is an asshole for trying to convince me that I am an alien.[Editor’s Note: Some honorable mentions that didn’t make the top four include cats running on treadmills, train-horn pranks, news anchor fails, and talking cats.]