Union Weekly ASI - California State University, Long Beach

YOU’RE THE STAR OF THE STORY!

CHOOSE FROM 9 POSSIBLE ENDINGS.

By Leo Portugal & Vincent Chavez

Illustration by Connor O'Brien

PAGE 1

Welcome to Universe University, the giant blue pyramid in the stars. You are a freshman. You have choices to make. There are many paths on this journey. Many choices. Many paths. You are a freshman.

First of all, you must choose your major. The mission commander demands your decision.

If you choose to major in space engineering, go to page 2.

If you choose to major in accounting, with a minor in Neptune’s most native language, Sssnartch, go to page 3.

If you choose comparative worlds literature, go to page 10.

If you choose not to declare your major at this time, go to hell, and then page 6.

PAGE 2

Your dreams of becoming the finest space engineer in all of space could finally be coming true. But there’s a problem! It’s the first day of class, and you’re feeling a bit sick.

If you go to class, turn to page 4.

If you skip class, turn to page 7.

PAGE 3

Today you take one small step in fulfilling your parents’ dream of you becoming an accountant. But you want to become an interpreter for the United Worlds, so you decide to study the Sssnartch language as well. Your parents want you to completely focus on accounting.

If you comply with your parents’ wish, turn to page 9.

If you decide to study language full-time, turn to page 11.

PAGE 4

You begin to hallucinate as your space fever rises. All the engiNERDS are starting to get on your engiNERVES. You murder about four. A campus stormjanitor gets you in a chokehold and ends you.

PAGE 5

After finding your schedule, you walk to your first class of the day, Philosphy 101: Gravity-Free Philosophy, when you bump into a space troll … named Lloyd! He’s your best friend. You go out for pie after class and he pays. He invites you to a screening of the film Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons one earth week from now. You check your syllabi to see if there are any scheduling conflicts and realize that you will be having a big test on the morning after.

If you choose to go to the screening regardless, turn to page 8.

If you decide to stay home and study on that night, turn to page 12.

PAGE 6

You have fallen into a black hole. Some cadets flourish after a year of general space ed while they just kinda feel things out, but you, however, did not.

PAGE 7

Because you did not show up for your first class, your instructor has dropped you from the class and out of the butt of this floating pyramid in space. There’s no oxygen in space and no one can hear you cream your jeans and you die.

PAGE 8

At the Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons screening, the movie’s star, Sigourney Weaver, gives you the flirty eyes. You look over at Lloyd and he shrugs.

If you pursue her, go to page 13.

If you resist her feminine wiles or charms, go to page 14.

PAGE 9

You are writing an essay on Pluto. The dog. You’re having a bit of trouble making it not shitty. What do you do?

If you choose to try to find inspiration by gathering a list of ideas spontaneously contributed by a group of friends, go to page 15.

If you choose to procrastibate, go to page 16.

PAGE 10

You love literature, and earth literature just ain’t enough for the likes of you. But alas, you’ve lost your schedule in space! Only Matt LeBlanc knows its whereabouts. You don’t remember what class you’re supposed to go to.

If you find your schedule, go to page 5.

If you don’t find your schedule, go to page 7.

PAGE 11

Your knowledge of language grows. You are hired as an interpreter’s apprentice on the set of Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons. After a few days on set, you fall in love with the film’s star, a cryogenically preserved Sigourney Weaver.

If you pursue her, go to page 17.

If you resist her feminine wiles or charms, go to page 14.

PAGE 12

Your diligence and hard work pays off.  You ace the test and are graduated early.  Good job, space nerd.

PAGE 13

You, Lloyd, and Sigourney Weaver fall in love. Together, you open up a spaceship pie shop. It fails, and you all live happily ever after.

PAGE 14

Sigourney wants you bad. Your resistance is futile. She takes what she needs from you, then eats you, black widow style. Did I mention that Sigourney Weaver is a space spider?

PAGE 15

You are killed in a brainstorm.

PAGE 16

You’re beginning to feel really depressed. The pressure to become an accountant is too much. You set phaser to suicide.

PAGE 17

Sigourney sleeps your way to the top. You become the United World’s most respected Sssnartch interpreter dance instructor.